Dear God,
It’s incredible how loneliness can lead to so much sin. I find myself drowning in struggles I’ve never faced before, yet they’ve somehow become part of my identity. It’s astonishing how a small habit can spiral into addiction. Sin brings nothing but emptiness and loneliness, and I feel trapped.
I’ve always desired to get married and have a husband, but I didn’t trust your timing. I rushed into my own plans, and now I’m stuck with the consequences. After breaking up with my ex—someone I almost had a child with—I quickly moved in with my current partner. At first, things were great. But then he started cheating, finding excuses to leave the house whenever possible. I didn’t learn of it until after we had our child, who is now a toddler.
Even after finding out, I stayed. I used to believe I’d walk away if a partner ever cheated on me. Yet here I am. When he promised he wouldn’t do it again, I chose to believe him. But then it happened again—this time with a colleague. The most heartbreaking part is how I put myself last, hoping he would finally put me first. I disrespected myself in the hope of gaining his respect.
I prayed about it and even sought advice from a friend, who told me to leave because he didn’t appreciate me. But I stayed. We’re not legally married, and I could easily leave and start anew, but fear keeps holding me back. That fear has made me bitter and empty, constantly looking for something—or someone—to fill the void. I’ve sought fulfillment in temporary things instead of turning to you.
I know as your child, I should’ve come to you first. That’s the truth. But I felt so unworthy of your grace and mercy because of how deeply I’ve sinned. So instead, I turned to other things to fill the void. I indulged in porn nightly, seeking fulfillment. I drowned myself in alcohol and found comfort in food, but not for nourishment—only to dull the pain. I overate to the point of self-loathing, calling myself ugly and fat. The words I spoke to myself only drove me further into sin.
This all led to my partner and me becoming nothing more than roommates. The intimacy vanished—no hugs, no kisses, no conversations, and no connection. We only talked about mundane matters like movies, groceries, or house chores. He often left for hours, returning at midnight, and the next morning, we acted as though nothing had happened. It’s been two years of living like this, and one year of me sinking deeper into my struggles.
I’m learning to care for and love myself again, but it’s not easy. When someone shows interest in me, I feel an urge to rush into the “I love you” stage. But now, I want to stay alone for a while. I need this season to get my life back in order, to rediscover myself, and to reconnect with you.
I realize now how much I allowed social media and worldly distractions to become idols in my life. I scrolled past scriptures and sermons, downloaded countless dating apps, and even hoped to meet an older man to date for money. All these actions highlighted how loneliness and emptiness have been my greatest enemies. I know I need to work on myself, but I can’t do it without you, God.
I still dream of the life I desire—a godly marriage, perhaps even with a pastor, and a life deeply connected to you. That vision remains clear.
It’s a day-by-day journey, God. I’m learning and unlearning so much. I’m letting go of ungodly patterns that have kept me in bondage and drawn me away from you. This is the year I want to truly get right with you.
Thank you for reading this piece of my journey. It’s not polished, but it’s real. If you’ve been struggling, let this be your sign to come back. Not to perfection. But to peace.
Until next time,
Let grace do the healing. Let God do the chasing. Let yourself be found.
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